Judge First, Trust Second?

I hadn’t given much thought, until recently, to how people come to trust others. Some will say that they trust first, judge second. What they are saying is, "I will take a risk and extend trust to you without proof that you are trustworthy." Others feel like they need to judge first, trust second. The message is, "you have to prove you are trustworthy first."

With two teenagers in my house, I have learned the necessity of approaching every situation with a level of trust. This was easy when they were young because there was very little about their whereabouts that I didn’t know. In most cases they would tell me the truth, unless of course there were toys strewn all over the room or they just delivered a punch to the arm of their sibling. In these situations, I had to rely on my gut to let me know who was telling the truth.

Fast forward to these independent teen years and I find that it is essential to rely on trust that they will make the right choices and for the most part, stay out of trouble. Honestly, the amount of angst I would feel if I didn’t trust them first and judge second would be unbearable.

This brings me back to the alternative of judging first and trusting second. I know that I personally feel a sense of pride and confidence when someone tells me they trust me. It doesn’t mean that I might not get it perfectly right, but there is a sense of relief that the foundation of the relationship is grounded in a place where they can count on me. So, for the people who judge first and trust second, I have to wonder how they might feel if the table was turned. Are they okay with people not trusting them first?

I don’t claim to know the right answer. In this case I am not talking about people who have been consistently inflicted with someone letting them down. For this post, I am focused solely on new relationships. This could be a new friend, a new leader, a new co-worker. In these situations, I would challenge the logic of judging first and trusting second.

I TRUST some of you may have an opinion on this and I would love to hear your thoughts.

Comments

[Susan Schneider]

Thank you, Leisa and I could not agree more. I really appreciate your graciousness as my host as well as our re-kindled friendship.

[Leisa Ross]

Hi Susan,
This post is very timely after the time we spent together the last couple of days. Thanks again for coming out to California and spending time with me. You are an inspiration and natural born leader.
Leisa Ross

[Jon]

What a great topic Susan. Stephen M.R. Covey has written such a rich book on the topic of trust: The Speed of Trust. I use it with all of my clients.

He might say that great leaders extend trust first. By becoming an example first, it sets the stage for others to "trust back" (my phrase). If I offer trust first, It makes it so much easier for you to trust me.

Covey goes further by describing smart trust. Not just the blind trust, but one which is tempered with a bit of reality. Perhaps the teen years are an example of when to engage smart trust;-)

[Judi Rubin]

As always, I love your thought provoking blogs. Trust is one of the most interesting verbs in the English language. I have a niece who I can trust to love me--I can also trust her to cancel at the last minute about 50% of the time. I have employees that I can trust to meet deadlines--unless it conflicts with quitting time. People can trust me to be loyal, to push for results, to look for the next best idea--and it is best if they do not trust that I will always be on time for the meeting. I'm not sure what to call that kind of trust--I call it real trust because it is based on what people really do. And, I can trust you to speak from your heart as well as your head because my perception is that you come from "real" love whether it is in the workplace or at home. Thanks for starting my Wednesdays with provoking thoughts. Hugs from your favorite Step Monster, Judi