If You Don't Ask For It, Don't Expect It

I recently attended a presentation where the speaker started out by asking everyone to turn off their phones, which is fairly common nowadays. Then she went on to place a few more rules on the audience, including a request that we refrain from having any side bar conversations while she was speaking. At first blush it seemed a bit over the top, as though she assumed we wouldn’t know how to behave in this environment. But then she said something that really resonated with me:

“Unless I tell you exactly what I need from all of you, I have no right to expect anything different.”

Hmmm…if only I had learned this simple statement earlier in my life, imagine all of the moments of frustration and disappointment that I could have avoided. I guess this explains why the silent treatment never worked in my first years of marriage! As I ponder this, I can think of many situations - at work, at home, and with friends - where I assumed people would know exactly what I wanted and act accordingly, as though everyone in my life has some paranormal sixth sense and can read my mind.

The truth is most people aren’t sitting around concocting ways to make our lives difficult. They just don’t know what we want because we haven’t told them. We think by being honest we will come across as demanding, insensitive, or even rude; yet isn't this better than the alternative?

I do know one exception to this rule and that would be my kids. I can promise you I speak with great clarity and yet they choose not to listen. I guess in their case, my voice is like a dog whistle, only to be heard by a select few.

Comments

[Kevin Rich]

Susan,

In "Switch, Chip & Dand Heath's great book on change, the authors explain the compelling value of creating a "clear path" to facilitate meaningful change. Your presentation speaker set a clear behavioral path to assure mutual expectations were met. Makes sense.

Kevin

[Endre Pekarik]

I might (no-, I know I will) get into trouble saying this, but you just proved my point. I got lectured many times, that I don't understand my spouse's mind.
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This situation was repeated frequently; that I and my ex-spouse were traveling in car,---
When I got hungry, I stated "I'm hungry, can we stop to eat?".
When she got hungry, she asked "Are you hungry?" and when I just said "No" and kept driving, I got the silent treatment for the rest of the road.

Now, I know I was rightly confused…. and could be that the deterioration of our relationship wasn’t my fault?

[Christy]

Such a great reminder!

[Susan Schneider]

Thank you for the encouragement on the kids, you are right on that point. I can still remember pearls of wisdom from my mother even when I wasn't listening!

[Lynda]

Very, very true! Great post & good reminder. Thank you for helping us all get through our Wednesdays.
And...as for the kids, they may be pretending they don't hear, but some grains of truth are definitely getting through!