Susan Schneider’s Blog

Lamenting the Door

Helen Keller said, “When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” This is the type of quote that I feel like I have heard numerous times but haven’t paid much attention to what it actually means… at least until recently. As I listen more closely to the people around me and overhear them lament about all of the “closed” doors in their life,  it makes me realize that now, more than ever, we need to keep this quote at the forefront.

Not that long ago I was having a conversation with a friend who was upset that they were not selected for a job position that seemed to be the perfect fit. We spent a fair amount of time dissecting the interview process and looking at what could have been done differently. While we did this, one thing was very clear to me - this was a painfully raw discussion for her. I truly sympathized with my friend, but my sympathy waned a bit when she mentioned that this event had occurred several months ago. It was then I realized that my friend was so laser-focused on the “closed” door that she was completely missing all of the opportunities lying before her.

I am not trying to minimize what it takes to look for a new job, or to face disappointment. Most of us know all too well what it feels like to experience a loss. However, at some point we have to face the fact that a door has closed, and realize that the more time we spend staring at it and wishing it would re-open, the more opportunities in life slip by. One could say that this is giving up, but I would disagree. Anyone will tell you that the greatest successes they achieved in life were almost always preceded by a series of failures.

As I write this, it helps me reflect and be thankful for the personal doors that are open for me. But I guess I can also be glad about the dead-bolted locks on other doors. These are the ones that keep me from meandering off in another direction.

I'm Not Complaining, Just Explaining

I believe there is a clear-cut difference between the actions of complaining and explaining. In my opinion, “complaining” is based on emotion whereas “explaining” is based on fact. At least, this is what I am trying to teach my kids.

Perhaps it is just a Midwest thing, but I am surprised that there are people who will go so far as to receive the wrong order at a restaurant and never say a word because they don’t want to be viewed as a complainer. And then, we of course have the other end of the spectrum; the people who stand in line for a free breakfast at Denny’s and then grumble that the service is too slow.

The person who has the “pleasure” of listening to you often determines the distinction between complaining and explaining. It is perfectly okay to assume that things will go as you expect. You should not settle for eating a tuna sandwich when you ordered the pasta. How you tailor your message is the key. I have become much more aware of this in the last few years and have even found myself letting my listener know that I am in fact explaining, not complaining. When I keep my emotions in check, it’s amazing what a difference it makes when I state my “facts” with a smile.

On the flip side, I have also taken a different approach when I am in the seat of the “listener”. I am getting better at distinguishing the explainer from the complainer. This definitely requires a greater level of patience. Taking the time to get to the facts seems to be appreciated by everyone except my kids.

Anything is Possible, Nothing is Easy

I learned this saying last week from my Chinese friends as they described what it is like doing business in Asia. And now, as I try and write this blog with 14 hours of jet lag and a serious inability to string two words together, I can appreciate the logic behind the phrase: “Things can get done, but sometimes it is going to be awfully difficult.”

In all honesty, what I really liked about this Chinese approach to life is that it demands something from people that many of us lack; a combination of openness to new thinking coupled with a need for discipline and patience. The truth is that I think many of us only believe that “anything is possible” on the surface. Deep down, we have great hesitations on what could truly be accomplished. It isn’t that we don’t want to believe in great things, it is just that the idea of having to go through the process towards achieving it can be daunting. It is exactly at this time that we find ourselves at a fork in the road. Do we move forward or do we begin to make our mental list of why “not all things” are possible?

You hear people say that one person can make a difference in the world. At the same time you hear others say that it isn’t worth the fight, because one person can’t do it alone. I guess that comes down to a difference of perspective and perhaps patience.

I.W.D.

Today I write to you from Shanghai, which is a day ahead of many of you. Yesterday, we had a great day of celebration here called International Women's Day. I find it a bit interesting that this special day, celebrated by over 100 countries, is essentially unknown among U.S. women. Although, I guess that March was recently declared as National Women's History Month in the States. Perhaps I am the only woman not to know this, or our national treasure Charlie Sheen trumped us in the headlines once again...

I.W.D. is seen as a day to celebrate women, all that they do, and the accomplishments they have made. Women and men celebrate International Women's Day to honor those who began the struggle and those who continue to work for change. It recognizes all efforts to improve the lives of women, both locally and globally. 

I suppose many might compare it to Mother's Day. Its roots go back to a time when women began to stand up against poor working conditions, inequality and child labor laws in Eastern Europe and Russia. Today, it is seen as a day to remember how much women have achieved in the areas of equality, peace and development.

Flowers and taking over daily chores are traditional gifts on this day (my husband is now wondering why we celebrate International Women's YEAR at our house). More recently, women are using this day as a reason to reach out and lend a helping hand to other women in need. I find myself quite proud by all this day signifies. It makes me even happier to be here in China where this date means so much to so many, and I hope for a future U.S. celebration of this event with great intention. I am very thankful to all of the women who for the past 100 years, have made such an incredible difference to all of us who have followed.

What Not to Do

I find that one of the hardest things in life is finding the courage to admit when we are wrong. Now some of you may be thinking that this isn’t an issue for you and I'm guessing this is probably true for the “easy” stuff. By easy stuff, I mean things that can be whisked away into thin air with a simple, “oops, my bad” or “sorry, didn’t mean to”. What I am referring to is the “tough” stuff, the kind of stuff that lingers in your mind well past the time that you made the mistake (some call this our conscience). It is in these moments we (like most humans) dig our heels in and pray it just goes away. Oh, if it were only that easy…

In keeping with my recent trend of publically airing out my dirty laundry, I am going to let you in on a recent “what not to do” occasion that I encountered. If you read last week’s post, you might remember that I said one of the things I need to work on is keeping my emotions in check when stressed. Well, the following incident is why.

I was in the middle of an incredibly intense and important day. For whatever reason, I decided at this completely in-opportune moment to give one of my employees some constructive criticism on their leadership. I knew the moment it came out of my mouth it was wrong, but found myself secretly hoping it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought. It ended up sticking with me for the rest of the day and the day after; a bit like bad shellfish. It was then that I knew I needed to do something…I had to apologize.

And, so I did. I owned my mistake, and let her know that she could take the event as a lesson of “what not to do” in leadership training. In turn, this relieved my employee and made her feel much better. It also kept her from “re-playing” this event in her head for weeks to come. I have to admit, it really wasn’t that hard to do once I took accountability. The outcome for both of us felt like a “Kumbaya” moment, which brings me back to my first sentence. Why is this process so hard? Maybe it’s time to give ourselves a bit of a break, become okay with the fact that we are going to make mistakes and then just own up to them when they come along. Sounds a little freeing, doesn’t it?