Susan Schneider’s Blog

Relocation Grief – Part Two

Last week, I talked about how the Five Stages of Grief coincide with people who are relocating, especially in this economy. We covered Stage One – DENIAL and Stage Two – ANGER. If you missed the blog, you can get caught up quickly by reading it. You’ll find it in the right side bar. Now, let’s cover the final three stages of how the grief cycle relates to relocation.

As you remember, our transferee was in Stage Two - ANGER mode, but in most cases, they will not remain there. You will usually receive a follow up call after the anger has subsided. This time the conversation will focus back to their relocation policy. Perhaps it’s asking more detailed questions about temporary lodging or the miscellaneous allowance. Yet without a doubt, it will circle back to the financial contribution to their loss on sale. At this point, they may be willing to negotiate giving it all up just to have some cash to mitigate their loss. There is an interest in anything that will make a positive difference in their equity position – yes, they are now BARGAINING.

As some time passes, you will check in with this employee and you will notice the tone has changed. They are now less aloof; there is actually sadness in their voice. They realize that after talking to their Realtor and some of the neighbors, you may be right. They are now faced with the fact that the appraisal numbers may be the best offer they are going to get. They have entered the stage of SADNESS (Depression seems a bit dramatic here). I actually think this is the most difficult to deal with for counselors. It is hard to separate from the emotions and our natural empathy goes into high gear. No one wants to watch someone pained by their situation.

But finally (and it does happen), the employee will re-engage themselves into the process and begin working toward the best solutions. When they get focused, they can accomplish a lot. Thankfully, this is the ACCEPTANCE stage and everything starts moving forward.

So why did I choose to use this analogy? Because the truth with relocation is that it is not an administrative sprint, it is truly a handholding marathon. We need to stick with the employee through every stage and remind ourselves that it is our job to bring them to the light at the end of the tunnel. As hard as it may seem at times, just remember that you are very valuable during this process.

The 5 Stages of Grief (or relocating)

Please do not mistake my use of this title as being remiss about the overwhelming emotions that come with the loss of a loved one or tragic event. Stay with me over the next two weeks as I apply this same principle to someone who is in the midst of relocating, at any time but especially in this economy. I think each and every one of us can bring to mind a challenging transferee, possibly you have even been there yourself.

As we assist them through the process, we are in many cases delivering less than positive news and for all intensive purposes, I will focus on a homeowner who has just received their less than “adequate” appraisals; meaning he or she paid/owe a lot more for the home then what the market dictates.

As you discuss the details with them, you can sense Stage One rounding the corner… you can hear it in their voice. They have immediately begun to separate themselves from the conversation and answers sound more like uh-huh’s. Deep down they are thinking that you have no idea what you are talking about. You have never seen their home in person, you don’t know how beautiful their landscaping is around the pool and clearly, appraisers have no idea what their neighborhood looks like. Your transferee has just entered DENIAL.

The next stage is a bit different…it may be on your cell phone or possibly an overhead page, but your transferee is ready to talk with you and it can not wait. This has become an urgent matter. And this conversation you have is requiring little from you, other than possibly holding the phone away from your ear as they use words like run-down foreclosures, new landscaping around the pool, the best schools in the city and a park out their back door. They may even sling a few accusations including talk of a conspiracy theory – you don’t need me to remind you of this stage – ANGER.

But don’t worry, the process is not over yet. Next week, I’ll show how the final three stages of grief help us understand and improve the journey of those who are relocating.

The 80/20 Rule

Last week I talked about the need to give ourselves sufficient time to make sound judgments; not getting caught up in the relentless need for immediate information. Of course, I am not for being dismissive or lackadaisical, but we all need to be unafraid to take time to “think”, not just “react.” In most cases the solution to this issue is to first simply take a breath, recognize that time is our friend and most importantly…ask questions!

I have often wondered why is it we find ourselves hesitant to ask questions. There are probably several reasons, but I think in many cases it is because we know that we are being looked at as the expert in our given fields. And what expert wouldn’t understand exactly what is being asked of them and have the perfect answer each time? The truth is that the first few questions asked are often just the surface of many underlying concerns, issues, or most likely more questions. People often ask the simple questions first, yet they are really trying to put the whole situation into context.

Think about it. Whether you are counseling on a relocation policy, reviewing tax laws, or discussing cultural issues, a transferee will often ask a few simple questions. We give them answers and then move on, but I think it would be good to note just how many questions we are asking them. This is where we need to apply the 80/20 rule. We should be listening 80% of the time and talking 20%. It is then that we can truly understand others needs, help them through the discovery process and then use our knowledge to bring them to a solution together.

Remember, people do like to feel heard. They want to know they have been listened to and understood. Go ahead and ask clarifying questions and then patiently await their answers – you might be surprised by what you hear.

C’mon…I only have a minute!

Sound all too familiar? And not just from the gotta-have-it-now, generation. Instant gratification is not tied to Gen-Y’s anymore. Actually in many environments, this is becoming the “new” pace. This whole topic is actually quite ironic coming from me…in all honesty, I, myself have been known to be a “tad” impatient. So for all of you that are like me – which is probably most of you, I have to ask, is this really doing anyone any good?

My personal opinion that the pace in which people function is often related to fear. Either fear of slowing themselves down or slowing down for others. Let me site two examples to support my theory:

• When you begin your day, you probably start with a to-do list. You may not hope to complete everything on this list but you surely do not want to fall further behind. At times, the list itself can be daunting, let alone the task. So, when you find yourself delayed for example by a meeting that has run over its allotted time, a phone call that has yet to be returned, you begin to feel the stress rise. Now, everything else in the day is going to have to fit this new “condensed” time schedule. You really don’t have a minute.
• You receive a call from an employee or client. You immediately sense the “stress” in their voice. They would like information from you right away. Instead of slowing them down and providing the “calming” voice, you find that you mirror their intensity and offer to get them anything you can, right away. So now both of you now really don’t have a minute.

The concern lies in the fact that when we feed into this frenzy we mis-communicate, make mistakes, and don’t allow ourselves the time we deserve to think and make sound judgments. Let’s remember, it’s ok to ask for additional time, important decisions require it!

Lessons for Leading in a Crisis Part II

I always appreciate the feedback I get from readers on the blog. Last week, one person commented that the topics I post on are “an inspiration during troubling times.” I really have to thank all of you for continuing to share your ideas for content with me – I know that without you this page would be empty. So let’s focus on becoming better and move on to lessons 4 thru 7.

Lesson #4 – Get the world off your shoulders. In a crisis, many leaders act like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. They go into isolation, and think they can solve the problem themselves. The truth is that as a leader, you need all the help you can get from your team. This means asking their opinion, ideas and solutions.

Lesson #5 – Before asking others to sacrifice, first volunteer yourself. If there are sacrifices to be made, the leaders should be the first to step up. Your employees are watching you, seeing how you make decisions, whether you follow your values and your willingness to confront issues. This is your time to show your “true” leadership qualities.

Lesson #6 – Never waste a good crisis. Here is a quote from the new Prime Minister of Israel, “When things are going well, people resist major changes or try to get by with minor adaptations. A crisis provides the leader with the platform to get things done that were required anyway and offers the sense of urgency to accelerate their implementation."

Lesson #7 – Be aggressive in the marketplace. As counter-intuitive as this sounds, it is a concept to embrace. This is the time whether internally or externally to create new processes and new products. Don’t wait for this crisis to pass so that you can get back to business as usual. Whether we like it or not…this is the “new” usual. Don’t fall behind the pack; get out in front of it!

Thanks again to Bill George for all his insights about leading in a crisis. If you have a personal experience on this subject, please take the opportunity to comment below, or send me an email. I would love to hear from you!